...I have just watched Eastenders (don't shoot me!!!) and watched Jean's sad slide back into mental ill health and it has really affected me. I have struggled with "something" since the birth of my eldest daughter and for 11 years I have struggled with do I have depression or am I just a miserable cow. When I read the traditional list of signs and symptoms for depression I don't think I particularly meet them. For instance I care about my appearance but often that is to cover up how crap I feel. For 8 years I did nothing, my marriage broke down, millions of reasons no one person's fault and then I met Tony. Until we got together there was absolutely no way in hell I was having another child. I felt to unable to do that again but Tony made me feel able to face it so we talked and we were in love so it seemed completely natural to have Savannah. Wow what a fab choice. I have so enjoyed doing the baby thing second time round. This time I was fine until....I went back to work and then I crashed. This time I did something about it, I was on anti depressants for nearly 2 years and this time last year I came off them cos I felt fab, gradually over the summer things got really crap again and worsened considerably. I have always been moody and angry but this worsened to the point that I was not sure I could control my anger and I felt anxious for my girls and for my relationship with Tony...so I am back on the anti depressants. I am on a more even keel most of the time I still swing up and down, going down a bit at the mo cos of work pressures but I am getting better at recognising it.
Where is all this going? Beading has been my saviour. As crap as it sounds I can honestly say that having some "me" time has been fab for me. Firing up the torch is so therapeutic. But mental ill health has many different guises, I don't know if I am mentally ill I don't know if I want that label but it is insipid and challenging. The things Tony has to put up with, my mood swings, my sudden anger. My children have to witness me getting angry, I simply can't control it, I am trying now and my family are so understanding but it must be so frustrating for them. Help is difficult to find once you admit you need it I have tried counselling twice and just did not get on with it. I don't know what to do, I try to manage it myself and for the most part that works.
Back to Jean in Eastenders it is so sad to watch someone fall like that and it just bothered me cos maybe we are all vulnerable what would my family do if that was me..... what would I do?